I'll Keep You Safe - I Promise
by AlyB123
Summary: What if Liz's baby isn't Tom's? What if Liz and Ressler were intimate before she became a fugitive? Set after 3x11 with flashback to 2x17. Includes characters other than Ressler and Liz but is a Keenler story.
1. Chapter 1

Note: I originally intended this story to be a quick single chapter one-shot but it's grown longer than I intended. I hope to have Chapter 2 up tomorrow.

 _"The baby's fine."_

Liz leans back against the pillows and lets the tears flow after the doctor leaves the room. The baby? How did she not realize it? Suddenly, it all makes sense. The exhaustion. Her loss of appetite. The nausea. The feeling like she could burst into tears at any moment. She thought at the time it was just that her life was out of control while she was on the run. Irregular meals, irregular sleep, constant stress. But now? The reality is overwhelming.

 _"The baby's fine."_

What does that mean? A week ago she was nearly drowned in a sink in West Virginia, slammed to the ground, hard, by Ressler. She nearly died from nitrogen suffocation. A bullet missed her by inches. And today she was beaten, badly. The thought that this person – this tiny human – has survived…she swallows hard. She's barely a mother – a mother! And already she's been unable to protect this child. The doctor thinks she needs to be more careful. No kidding.

 _"The baby's fine."_

The baby may be fine, _but I'm not_. That's her reality. How can she have a child right now? She was barely able to rent an apartment. She can't even go the supermarket safely. A baby…it's all she's ever wanted. But not now. _Not like this_.

She runs her hand along her abdomen….there's just the tiniest bump. A hint of firmness that wasn't there before. She feels so stupid for not noticing it sooner. For not realizing that she hadn't had a regular period in a long time. And suddenly, she realizes she never asked the doctor– how far along is she?

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She leaves the hospital the next day with a referral to an OB/GYN and a prescription for an ultrasound. Her mind is still whirling. She's not ready to see anyone or talk to anyone yet. Not until she's figure out what she's going to do.

She unlocks the door to her apartment and stops at the sight of Reddington sitting on her couch amidst the moving boxes.

"What are you doing here?" she asks.

"Lizzy, why didn't you call me?" He stands and studies the bruises on her face. "What happened?"

She sighs. So much for not talking about it. "Some guy in the parking lot when I was shopping…people still think I'm a monster, a terrorist…."

"Lizzy, you need security, protection. You need to let me provide that for you."

"I'm not going anywhere for a while," she replies. "Not until these bruises heal, at least. Can you cover with Cooper for me? I really just need to rest."

"I'll talk to Harold. Don't worry about that. But I'm serious, Lizzy. You are not out of the woods just because the charges were dropped. You are still in danger. You need to accept that and accept my protection."

He stands and moves towards the door, hat in hand and suddenly she has to tell him – has to know his reaction.

"I'm pregnant."

He turns slowly and she sees his jaw clench tightly. His eyes bore into hers. He's silent. And then – "Who's the father, Lizzy?"

She stares at him for a moment and blinks, the question coming as a surprise. "I'm sure it's Tom's – why would you ask me that?"

His lips flatten into a thin line. "Are you sure, Lizzy? Because I'd be very sure before you go and tell Tom Keen you're having his baby."

And with that he's gone. She sinks on to the couch, her mind swirling. _It has to be Tom's baby, right?_ It can't be….she closes her eyes, remembering.

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It was her birthday. Ressler had surprised her with dinner in the office just when she'd been feeling at her absolute lowest. They'd shared Sam's wine and dipped into Reddington's spare bottle too. She'd felt happy for the first time in months. Then, she'd gotten back to the motel and Tom was there. Lurking in the shadows, begging for his passports. Red and Dembe had shown up and sent Tom packing. Right before he left, Red had told her "I want you to remember what your life really was with him and imagine all that it could be without him." After they left, she'd sat there for a while and thought about what Reddington had said. And eventually she'd grabbed a cab and shown up at Ressler's door.

He was surprised to see her – it was late – but he'd welcomed her in, brought her to the couch and sat next to her.

"What's wrong Liz? What's happened?"

"Tom was waiting for me when I got back to the motel." She saw his jaw clench and he licked his lips but waited for her to continue.

"He asked me to get his passports out of evidence. The ones he got from Reddington because they're clean. He says he'll be gone forever if I do it."

"You can't do that, Liz. You know that. What if you're caught? You'll be the one taking the fall for him again."

"I know. I just….that's not why I'm here."

"So why are you here, Liz."

She studied his face…took a deep breath…"I wasn't completely honest with you earlier."

His eyes narrowed, "About what?"

"I told you I was saving that wine for a special occasion. But really, when Reddington gave it to me, he told me to share it with someone special." His expression immediately softened, giving her the courage to continue.

"And I needed you to know that. How I really feel."

He picked up her hand then and traced circles on her palm. "And you came all the way over here at this hour just to tell me that?" His voice was husky, his eyes searching hers.

Instead of responding, she leaned over and kissed him on the lips, gently at first, feeling his hesitation and then more deeply as he began to respond. His hands cupped the back of her head and he pulled her gently down on top of him. She felt his breath quicken and his body harden beneath her. He tasted sweet and musky all at once and she wanted more – more of him – all of him. She felt her pulse racing as she reached for the buttons of his shirt and began to unbutton them.

He'd stopped her then, his hand gripping hers. "Liz, are you sure about this?" And she'd stared into his eyes, never more sure of anything in her life. She'd eased up off him, his eyes following her, questioning, and grabbed his hand and pulled him with her into his bedroom.

The next morning, lying in his arms, she couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so comfortable, so content. She'd traced circles with her finger on his bare chest, listening to his steady heartbeat, enjoying his warmth. He'd held her gently, stroking her hair and back and laughing with her. Eventually she'd had to get up – had to head back to the motel to grab a change of clothes before work.

She kissed him one last time as she headed for the door, wishing all the while she could just stay there.

"Liz – about the passports…" his face was suddenly serious.

"Don't worry about that," she said.

"I'll help you get them if it means Tom will go away for good."

"I can't ask you to do that – you said yourself if I was caught…"

"I want him gone, Liz. I want us to have….." he gestured with his arms. And she knew exactly knew what he meant. And she wanted it too.

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She presses her fingers against her eyes. After that one night – that one beautiful night – everything had gone to hell so fast. She'd given Tom the passports and said her goodbyes but just two weeks later she was a fugitive on the run. There had been no time for explanations or goodbyes to Ressler. Just 15 seconds in the utility corridor where he'd let her go. A decision she knew he regretted in the weeks that followed. And she'd turned back to Tom in desperation because she knew Ressler couldn't help her once she'd crossed that line.

The weeks on the run – she could see the pain and hurt in his eyes every time they were close. But she was hurting too – she hadn't understood then why he wouldn't stop chasing her. But then – after her arrest - he'd been so kind to her the night at the courthouse. They'd talked for hours. Cleared the air. Talked about everything – and nothing. She could tell he was trying to keep her calm for whatever the next day might bring. She would always be grateful for his solid and unwavering reassurance that it was not going to be her last night on earth, much as she'd struggled to believe it at the time.

She'd gone to see him the day after she was released. To thank him. To begin the slow process of trying to find her way with him again. He'd hugged her warmly, but there was still been a distance there. Too much had happened between them for there not to be. She understood that. She wasn't sure they could ever go back to where they were. He was famous all over the news for hunting her down. How could he possibly be seen with her again, much less have any interest in a relationship outside of work. A relationship with a convicted felon, no less. So she'd kept her distance. Tom was pushing her to leave it all behind and more and more, that was starting to sound appealing.

 _It has to be Tom's. It just has to be_ , she thinks. Shaking her head, she gets up and pulls out the paperwork from the hospital. She picks up the phone and dials the number of the OB-GYN's office. "Hello – my name is Elizabeth Keen. I'd like to make an appointment to come in for a prenatal visit.."

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Two weeks later, she can hardly believe her eyes as the ultrasound technician scans her abdomen. Her visit with the OB-GYN had been anticlimactic. The doctor had taken blood work and listened to the heartbeat and prescribed vitamins. But the doctor couldn't date the pregnancy without an ultrasound because she had no idea when her last menstrual cycle began all those weeks ago. So the doctor had sent her off to the hospital for a 3D sonogram. The images flicker on the screen but she can clearly make out the shape of a face. She feels the tears in her eyes as the technician points out a tiny fist.

The doctor comes in to review the results. "Can you tell how far along I am?"

"Yes – based on the measurements, looks like you are about 14 weeks. Congratulations!"

14 weeks? How is that possible? "I don't understand – I wasn't….I wasn't intimate with anyone 14 weeks ago."

"We measure from the date your last menstrual cycle started. You would have conceived around the time you ovulated, and that varies, but you probably conceived about 12 weeks ago."

12 weeks. But that means… "Is there any chance you're off by a couple of weeks? That it was really more like 10 weeks ago?" she asks, flustered.

"It's unlikely that we'd be off by that much based on the growth and development I'm seeing. But we can reconfirm the measurements at your next appointment. We'll know for sure then."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Back at home, she stares at the picture. It's real now. She's really going to be a mother. But despite the joy, she also feels the rising tide of panic in her gut.

A knock at the door interrupts her reverie. "Tom – what are you doing here?"

"I haven't seen you in two weeks. I wanted to see how you're doing. And - I brought you a surprise," he grins and behind him a small furry bundle of hair explodes towards her. "Oh my gosh – Hudson!" she breathes.

"Ellie told me you were waiting to get more settled to bring him home. But I thought we shouldn't wait. We've all been apart long enough, Liz."

She can't help the tears that begin to form in her eyes. Because what she has to tell him next is going to shatter him.

"Tom – I have to tell you….I'm pregnant."

A flicker of fear and then wonder crosses his face. He grabs her hands, "Liz, that's incredible. I'm so happy!"

"The thing is – Tom – I'm not sure it's yours."

He takes a step back and she can see the confusion on his face, followed by anger. "Are you telling me Reddington….?"

"No! No! God, no. No." she says hastily.

"Then who? Oh wait, don't tell me. Boy scout? When did it happen, Liz. Before or after you came crawling back to me on the boat?"

"Tom, please. It was before. It was quite a bit before. And only once. And then everything happened."

"Have you told him?" he asks carefully.

"No. Not yet."

"Then don't. Liz – the minute you tell him you are stuck here. He will never let you go. This, here – with Reddington – all of it. There's no escape, once you tell him. Come away with me, we'll raise the baby together. We'll go somewhere far away. No one will find us. He never has to know. Please, Liz."

She can hardly catch her breath. "Why would you….?"

"Look, Liz. I love you. And I want to be with you. And I was ready to adopt with you before all this started so how is this really any different. I don't care if it's mine. I just want us to go away. Far away. From all of this."

"Tom, I can't….if it's his. I have to tell him, Tom. I can't keep something like that from him."

"Just think about it, Liz. Promise me you'll think about it. I have a plan. A way for us to get away from all of this, away from Reddington, where he will never find us. I just need a little time. Don't tell him, Liz, please."


	2. Chapter 2

She steels herself as the elevator whirs on its way up from the parking garage. It feels strange, yet at the same time a relief, to be heading back to work. There's a slow dull ache around her ribs, especially if she breathes too deeply. But the bruises have faded and, with them, at least the outward signs of the attack. She'd decided to keep the attack a secret from everyone other than Cooper. Reddington had made excuses, invented a cover story about needing to travel to Majorca to catch up on some business and so she'd been able to rest quietly these past couple of weeks and think through her options. Other than near daily visits from Dembe with food and medicine and short trips outside with Hudson, she'd managed to avoid seeing anyone. Even Reddington had kept his distance, seeming to understand she needed some space to think. Tom, of course, was pressing her to agree to leave, to start fresh away from it all. But she'd pushed him off. She knew she needed to be back here - in this world - before she could decide whether to walk away from it all.

Aram beams and waves as she steps out of the elevator. She glances upstairs and sees Cooper is at his desk. Waving to Aram, she heads upstairs to talk to Cooper. He looks up as she closes the door behind her and takes off his reading glasses, a concerned smile on his face.

"Elizabeth, how are you feeling?"

She manages a small smile. "A little banged up, but I'll live."

"If you need anything...if you want to talk..."

"I know. Thank you, sir." She's not ready to discuss this yet, not even with him.

He looks at her kindly, clearly trying to invite more discussion, but she offers no opening. He sighs, "Well, it's good to have you back. Reddington said he'll be here soon."

"He has a new case?" she asks, startled.

"I'm not sure," Cooper responds. "I guess we'll find out."

She heads downstairs and stops to greet Aram. "I'm so glad you're here," he says, grinning. "I've missed having someone to talk to."

"What about Samar?" she laughs. "Don't you two talk all the time?"

His smile fades and he drops his eyes. "Well, things have changed around here a little bit…"

Before she can ask what he means, Red strides into the war room followed closely by Dembe. "Ah, Elizabeth. A word?"

She follows him into the office she used to share with Ressler and he closes the door behind them. "What do you want?" she asks.

"Have you figured out who the father is, Lizzy?"

"I am not having this discussion with you here!" she hisses. "And it is none of your business!"

"Oh Lizzy. That's where you're wrong. This ... situation you find yourself in is very much my business. Just remember - before you decide to do anything rash - any man can conceive a child. Not every man can be a father. Surely your relationship with Sam has shown you that."

And with that, he's gone again, leaving her blinking back tears.

"Hey, you ok?"

She looks up and sees Ressler in the doorway, a concerned expression on his face. She tries to smile, "I'm fine. It's just Reddington. He always knows just what to say to get under my skin." He grins at that, "Well I'd offer to rough him up for you, but I'm not sure that would go so well for either of us." She laughs and he moves closer, sitting on the corner of the desk. "It's good to have you back, Liz. And it's really good to see you back at your desk."

"It's not my desk anymore. It's Samar's. She's your partner now." She tries desperately not to sound bitter. She'd told herself before she came in today that she was not going to dwell on being sidelined, on her change in status from agent to asset. A sober expression crosses his face and he gets up quickly. "No. It's still your desk. Assuming you still want it?" He looks at her hesitantly.

She gives him a genuine smile. "Of course I do." He flashes another grin and heads off to see Cooper.

Left alone, she opens the top drawer of the desk, expecting to find it empty. Instead, she's startled to see a bottle. Pulling it out, she realizes it's the bottle that held the wine she made with Sam, washed and clean. Stuck to the bottle is a post-it note, "Thought you might like to save this to remember the good times. -D." She catches her breath and feels the tears quickly form again.

"Settling back in?" Blinking rapidly, she looks up to see Samar regarding her coolly from the doorway, her expression unreadable. She quickly replaces the bottle in the drawer and closes it.

"Trying to," she responds. "Are you sure I'm not pushing you out of here..because I can…"

Samar's eyes flash briefly, so quick that it's almost imperceptible, followed immediately by a flat smile and shake of her head. "No, Liz. This was your place first. I'm fine with it."

Just then Ressler appears behind her holding a file and Liz can't help but notice the icy glare Samar gives him as she turns on her heel and heads back into the war room. Something isn't right there.

"What's going on with you two?" she asks. Ressler sits at his desk and looks down, concentrating on the file before him, not meeting her gaze. "Nothing. Nothing's going on." He looks uncomfortable, and she can't help but notice a little pink rising around the collar of his shirt.

"Look, I know you fired her because she tried to help me. But can't you two make amends? I mean, we all crossed a lot of lines. It's my fault, not hers."

He shifts uncomfortably in his chair. "It's not that simple, Liz. Look – I really don't want to talk about it. Not now, at any rate. What was Reddington doing in Majorca?"

And now it's her turn to shift uncomfortably. "I'm not sure – he had meetings – loose ends to tie up from when we were gone."

Ressler looks up, puzzled, "weren't you there?"

She can't do this with him right now. "You want some coffee? I'm going to get something warm. It's freezing in here." She stands and moves quickly towards the door.

"No, I'm good. Thanks though." And he turns back to the file on his desk.

Walking across the war room, she stops at Aram's terminal. "What's going on with Ressler and Samar?" Now it's Aram's turn to look uncomfortable. "What do you mean," he stammers.

"Something's not right with them. I can't put my finger on it but I noticed when I was here that first day back too. She seems…angry with him."

"Well, he did fire her," Aram shrugs nervously.

"I know. It's just…I feel like there's something else going on there."

Before Aram can respond, the news screens in the war room flash a breaking news alert about a possible terrorist incident on the Red Line and the Post Office suddenly becomes a hive of activity.

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Ten hours later, she can hardly keep her eyes open at her desk. But she doesn't want to leave, either. Not until he comes back. She hadn't realized how hard it would be to sit in the war room and wait for news, wait for information. It's not sitting well with her. She knows she can't be in the field anymore – in the field _with him_ anymore. But she hadn't realized how hard this was going to be either.

Suddenly, he's back in the doorway, his tie askew and a new cut above his left eyebrow, but otherwise unscathed. "What are you still doing here?" he asks, looking surprised.

She shakes her head. "I don't know. I needed to know you guys were ok, I guess."

"Ah, so you missed me?" he says lightly, but his expression turns more serious as he sees the look on her face.

"Yes. I did." She's not smiling now.

"Liz…" He crosses over to her and sits down again on the corner of her desk and picks up her hand between his. And suddenly it's all too much and she feels the tears she's been holding back all day start to flow freely.

"Hey, hey…don't cry. It's fine. Liz, we're fine." He reaches up with a finger and wipes a tear off her cheek and then fumbles in his jacket pocket for a clean handkerchief.

She buries her face in her hands. "This is so much harder than I ever thought it was going to be."

He looks at her for a moment and cups her face gently with his hand. "We're going get through this. We're going to find a new normal, ok?"

 _He has no idea_ , she thinks. And in that moment, she wants to tell him. But she can't. She's promised herself she won't. Not yet.

"Let me drive you home," he says, reaching for his keys. She follows him down to the car and he holds the door open for her as she climbs into the passenger seat of the SUV.

As they glide through the darkened streets, it feels safe. And familiar. She's missed this with him.

All too soon they're back at her apartment building. "You ok?" he asks as she gathers her things.

"Yeah. I'm just really tired. Thank you for the ride," she says as she reaches for the door handle.

"You know – I was thinking – maybe we could, uh… I dunno ….grab dinner or something this weekend?" She can hear the shy hesitation in his voice, like he's expecting her to say no.

"I'd like that," she says softly, and his smile broadens. "But are you sure it's a good idea for you to be seen with me?"

"Liz…."

"I'm serious. Mr. Famous FBI super agent having dinner with the woman who killed the Attorney General? How is that going to look." She feels a lump in her throat.

"I don't care what anyone thinks, Liz. You were exonerated. You don't need to keep punishing yourself. Let me take you out. It'll do you some good."

"Ok," she sighs. "Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Liz."

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Back in her apartment, she stares at the latest sonogram picture, tracing the shape of the baby's face with her finger. The picture that confirmed the truth she was afraid to admit after the first ultrasound. The picture that confirmed it's almost certain she was already pregnant by the time she slept with Tom on the boat.

She wants to tell him so badly. But she can't, not right now. Not while they're still finding their way, this "new normal," as he called it - whatever that is. Because she's come to realize over these last couple of weeks is that she doesn't want him to be with her out of a sense of duty, of responsibility for the child. And she knows he's honorable and would always do what he perceives to be the "right" thing. Tom's right - he would never walk away if he knew. But he deserves more than that. And so does she. And so does their child. For this relationship to ever work they need a real foundation. She knows that time is against them and at some point soon she's going to have to tell him, but she's certain of one thing - she'd rather walk away than get it wrong again. The stakes are too much higher now.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, she bides her time until she sees Samar head off to the ladies' room. She waits a couple of minutes and then follows her. Opening the door, she sees Samar washing her hands.

"Hey - how did it go yesterday? It was so strange to be stuck here and not be part of the action."

"It went fine," Samar responds curtly, drying her hands and moving towards the door.

"I mean - it seems like things have been a little tense with you and Ressler..."

Samar stops and turns around. "What do you really want to know, Liz?" Her expression is carefully blank but the flash in her eyes has returned.

Liz pauses for a moment, taken aback. "I guess I don't understand why you are still so angry with him? I mean, I know he fired you, but I'm sure he feels bad..."

Samar snorts. "Liz, you really have no idea."

"Well why don't you explain it to me."

Samar hesitates a moment. Liz holds her gaze firmly.

"I am not angry with him because he fired me. He had every right. What angers me is that he pretends to be Mr. By the Book. The guardian of truth and justice. But you know what? He's so blinded by his own emotions that he can't see that he breaks all the rules himself. For one person. You. I'm angry with him because he's a hypocrite and he won't admit it."

Liz is startled, both by Samar's words and her tone. Suddenly, a thought occurs to her...

"How did Ressler find out that you were helping me?"

Samar pauses, clearly weighing what to say. "He discovered the search I ran for you to find Reddington's burner."

"But how did he know..."

"I ran it on his laptop, Liz." Samar folds her arms, waiting for Liz's reaction.

Her mind races. "But why did you use his laptop?"

"I think I've said enough." Samar turns and walks out the door.

 _Why_ _did she use his laptop?_ Unless...and suddenly she makes the connection. The early hour, Samar whispering the information, Ressler's discomfort, Aram's comments. They all add up to one undeniable truth.

And with that, she knows she's going to be sick. She rushes into the nearest stall and hovers over the bowl until the heaving stops. She heads to the sink and splashes cold water on her face. She stares at her reflection in the mirror. Was she just a fool to think that what she had with him meant something? That it was special?

Leaning against the wall, she fights the tears. She can't blame him - hell, she slept with Tom. And they never made each other any promises. But she needs to know if it's real - what she thought he felt for her - because suddenly she's not so sure.

She needs time to think and she can't do it here. She can't talk about this with him yet. Not until she gets her emotions under control. Heading back into the war room, she stops by Aram's terminal.

"Aram - I'm not feeling well. Tell Cooper I had to leave."

"You need anything?" He looks concerned.

"No - I'll be fine. I'll see you Monday." She manages a tiny smile. She heads quickly to the elevator, praying she doesn't run into anyone on the way out. As she's walking to her car, she hears Ressler's voice behind her.

"Liz - wait! Liz!"

She turns to see him hurrying towards her.

"Aram said you were feeling sick - are you ok?" She can see the concern on his face.

"I'm fine," she says stiffly. "Just a little sick to my stomach."

"You sure you're ok to drive? You don't look like you're in any condition..."

She laughs bitterly. "You have no idea what my condition is."

His eyebrows arch upward at that, and as she starts to walk away he grabs her arm to stop her. "Liz..."

"Don't touch me!" She snaps, her eyes blazing. He takes a step back, a confused look on his face. He stares at her a moment and then asks, quietly, "Liz what is really going on?"

"I don't know. You tell me." She knows deep down this is not the time or the place for this conversation but she spits the words out before she can help it.

Now he looks even more puzzled. "What happened this morning?"

"I spoke to Samar, that's what."

His quizzical expression vanishes and is immediately replaced by a guarded look. "What exactly did she tell you?"

"She told me you found out where I was because she ran the search on your laptop. I'm not a fool, Ressler. She ran that search at 6 am. I can put two and two together."

He sighs deeply, and glancing around, grabs her elbow again - this time gently, and walks her over to her car. He takes her keys from her hand and unlocks the doors, motioning for her to climb into the backseat. He slides in next to her.

He runs his hand across his face. "Can I explain?"

"You don't owe me an explanation Ressler," she snaps. "Besides, I guess this makes us even."

He blinks at her, confused once more. And even though she knows she shouldn't, she continues, "I slept with Tom. The night you let me go. The night before I shot Connolly."

The raw pain on his face is evident. He turns his head away, blinking rapidly.

She continues coldly, "And another time too. Right after I was released."

His head whips back at that, hurt mixed with disgust evident on his face. "Wow Liz. I could accept the first one. I could understand you were in a bad place - so was I, with Samar - but now? Even after all we went through - even after all we talked about that night at the court - you're still choosing him? You are never gonna forgive me for hunting you down, are you?" He opens the car door and stalks off without looking back.

She buries her face in her hands, the anger almost immediately replaced with regret. _What_ _have I done?_

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She sits on the couch, a blanket over her legs and Hudson curled up beside her, staring at the walls. She runs a hand across her abdomen, amazed at the slight changes in just a couple of weeks. Maybe she _should_ run away. Leave it all behind. Because she's not sure how they're ever going to recover from this. Plenty of women raise babies by themselves, right? _Yeah_ , _but_ _they're_ _not_ _the convicted felon daughter_ _of_ _a_ _KGB_ _master_ _spy_ , _are_ _they_?

A knock at the door jolts her from her thoughts. She opens it to find a dozen pink roses and a card resting on the door mat. She nervously opens the envelope and sees a familiar scrawl.

"I'm not giving up on us. Let's talk, please? I'll pick you up at 7 tomorrow - D."

She closes her eyes and presses her hand to her belly. Because the hardest conversation is yet to come. But she has hope again. " _I'm_ _not_ _giving_ _up_ _on_ _us_ _either_ ," she whispers.

And suddenly she has an idea - a way to show him that she wants to turn the clock back. She reaches for the phone and dials nervously.

"Hi - I'd like to make an appointment for tomorrow morning? A haircut and color."


	4. Chapter 4

Liz stares at her reflection and slowly fingers her hair. It feels so familiar, yet so foreign after all this time. The stylist waits expectantly for her reaction. Finally, Liz smiles, the smile growing broader and broader.

"Thank you. I really needed this."

The stylist smiles back. "The brunette suits you better. Brings out your eyes. I'd stay away from the blonde."

"Don't worry, I plan to," Liz laughs.

She glances at her watch as she exits the salon. It's only noon. Seven more hours before he's due to pick her up. It's a beautiful day - unusually mild for the season. Her newly short hair brushes softly against the side of her face with the breeze. It feels good just to walk, to breathe the air. A few weeks ago she never would have imagined she'd ever have a day like this again. _A normal day_.

She hears children's voices. There's a park up ahead, crammed with families enjoying the unseasonably nice weather. She hesitates for a moment and then turns in at the gate. She chooses a bench off to the side, away from the crowds, where she can sit and watch, undisturbed.

A little girl on a swing laughs as her mother pushes her higher and higher. A little boy chases his brother through the sandbox, squealing. A few benches to her left, a young mother is nursing her infant under a blanket. Only the baby's feet are visible, peeking out from under the edge of the blanket. A high pitched squeal of joy catches her attention and she turns and smiles at the sight of a father tossing his young son into the air.

A ball rolls near her feet, and she looks up to see a small girl coming towards her, her face framed by strawberry blonde curls. Liz leans down and picks up the ball as the girl stops and looks at her shyly. "Here you go, sweetie," she says as she rolls the ball back. The little girl beams and runs off. Watching her, Liz can't help but wonder if their child will be reddish blonde like him or dark like her.

As her eyes sweep the crowd, she suddenly becomes aware that someone's watching her. A tall dark haired man in a gray windbreaker stares at her from outside the fence of the park. She looks down, hoping he will just move on. After a few minutes, she looks up but he's still there. She stands, trying to look casual, and walks slowly to another bench, out of his line of sight. After a few minutes, she looks around again and doesn't see him at first. But just when she thinks he is gone, she spies him again. He's switched position and has her firmly in his sights. When he realizes she is staring at him, he looks away quickly but does not move.

Her heart begins to race. She glances around nervously, spotting another exit on the opposite side of the park. She walks briskly towards the other exit. As she glances over her shoulder, she sees the man has entered the park and is following her. She starts to panic and looks around wildly for a place to escape. Just then, her phone rings and "Nick's Pizza" flashes on the screen.

"Someone is following me," she whispers frantically into the phone.

"I know, Lizzy. It's one of my men. Relax."

She stops and feels her panic quickly dissolve into fury. "You're having me followed?"

"It's for your own protection."

"This has got to stop," she growls, exasperated. "I can't live under surveillance! I told you that before!"

"Circumstances have changed, Elizabeth. I don't think you fully appreciate the danger you still face."

"I appreciate it just fine! But I can't handle you having someone watching my every move!"

"This is non-negotiable, Elizabeth. I'm sorry."

She sinks down on a bench again, any pleasure in the day gone. She can hardly breathe. _There's no normal anymore. There's no escape_.

"Lizzy...," he says more gently. "I'm sorry."

"Listen to me," she hisses. "This discussion is not over. I need to have a say in how I am going to live my life. You don't get to make all the choices for me."

"Fine, Elizabeth. We'll discuss. But for now, you need to accept this."

She swallows hard. "I'm having dinner with Ressler tonight. I need to talk to him privately. Please back off. Please don't have us followed."

She's surprised to hear him chuckle softly. "Oh, Lizzy - I think I can manage to trust Donald to keep you safe for one evening. You have my word. I won't intrude."

"Thank you," she says curtly and hangs up.

She looks back at the man in the gray windbreaker, who nods slightly. And with a sigh, she slowly walks back to her apartment.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Back home, her anger only increases. _How dare he?_ _How dare he try to manipulate and control her every move?_ How can she possibly bring a child into this life, much less have any hope of a relationship, if there's no privacy. The wounds from her life with Tom are still too raw. And Ressler - he doesn't deserve this either! How can she possibly expect him to stick around - to be a father - with Reddington watching their every move. Controlling her. Controlling them.

The lengthening shadows prompt her to check her watch. He'll be here soon. She better pull herself together and get ready. Up until the call from Reddington, she was going to tell Ressler everything. Now, she's not so sure she should. She's not sure of anything anymore. _Maybe he's better off thinking that it's Tom's so he can walk away_.

A short while later, the buzzer rings and she gives the front desk permission to send him up. At his knock, she opens the door wide and stands there, waiting for his reaction. He stares at her for a moment, dumbfounded, and then grins broadly as he reaches out a hand to touch her hair.

"Wow," he breathes. "I hadn't realized how much I missed you looking like - _you_ \- until this minute."

She beams, but before he can say anything else, Hudson circles his legs excitedly. "Hey, buddy," he laughs, reaching down to pet him. "I'm glad to see you have your dog back."

"I think he likes you," she says with a smile as she grabs her jacket and shoos Hudson back into the apartment. "Where are we going?"

"I made a reservation at a nice quiet place in Old Town - nothing too fancy - I hope that's ok?"

"Sounds perfect," she replies.

They sit in companionable silence on the drive to the restaurant, but she can see he's watching her, turning his head towards her at every red light. Finally she can't help but ask, "What is it? Why do you keep staring at me?"

He laughs softly. "I can't stop staring at your hair, Liz. You look so beautiful...not that you didn't look beautiful before," he adds hastily. "But I really missed...you." He gently squeezes her hand.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The restaurant is exactly what she hoped it would be - small and intimate with plenty of privacy. He holds her chair for her as she sits. The server comes over to take their drink order.

"Do you want wine?" Ressler asks.

She's flustered for a moment. She probably should have expected the question. "No, thank you. Umm - sparkling water?" She watches nervously for a reaction from him but he just nods and turns to the waiter.

"Same for me." He smiles at her, warmly, and she can feel the butterflies in her stomach. Why is she so afraid to tell him?

After their orders are placed, he reaches out and takes her hand across the table. "Thanks for agreeing to come out with me tonight, Liz."

She sighs. "No, thank you for asking me. I'm sorry about the other day. I just...I just lost it. I wasn't being fair."

"Liz - about Samar..."

She shakes her head. "You don't owe me any explanation."

He squeezes her hand more tightly. "I need to tell you this, Liz. Please hear me out?"

She hesitates, but nods and he traces circles on the top of her hand with his thumb as he continues.

"When you first took off - after Connolly - I wanted to find you as fast as possible because I thought if you got out of the city you'd be gone. For good. I spent so many years hunting Reddington, and the thought of having to do that with you..." He clears his throat and she waits, quietly, for him to continue. "When you jumped that fence at the Embassy, it was like you had turned into someone else, someone I didn't recognize." He pauses again. "But when you saved my life at that convoy, I realized you were still in there. And I let you go - again - because in that moment I thought you were safer with Reddington. I thought he would hide you and keep you safe. But then you weren't hiding, and you shot that cop, and I started to get really scared. I was scared that you were the one who was going to get hurt or killed..." He takes a sip of his water, his other hand still stroking hers. "And then Reddington shows up at my NA meeting. Tells me he can't protect you from this vigilante assassin. I was terrified, Liz"

She has to stop him for a minute. "Your NA meeting?"

He licks his lips. "I had to. After you ran - all I wanted was to not feel anything. To make the pain go away. But I knew I had to keep a clear head. Stay focused. NA was - _is_ \- a way for me to do that."

Now it's her turn to squeeze his hand. He holds her eyes for a minute than continues, "The day Reddington staged your death...I was testifying in front of Hitchin's commission. So I didn't find out it was fake until much later - after I saw the pictures on the news..." He looks up, and she can see his eyes glistening, the pain still raw. "I thought it was real, Liz. I thought... I thought I had lost you..."

"I'm sorry," she whispers. "For all of it..."

He shakes his head. "I'm not telling you any of this to make you feel guilty. I see now why you did what you did. I understand it. I didn't before - but I do now. _All of it_. And I wish I had seen it sooner." He takes a deep breath and licks his lips again.

"The night with Samar - I was almost at rock bottom. We both were. And she offered me a way to ease the pain." She can see the pain etched on his face. "It was stupid of me, and I regret it. Pretty sure she does too. But I can't take it back. All I can say is, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," she says softly. "For not trusting you. For keeping so many secrets from you."

"You were right not to trust me, Liz," he says bitterly, "I nearly got you killed bringing you in. I was so blind..."

"But I'm here. We're here," she says gently, "none of this would have been possible if you hadn't brought me in. Please don't feel guilty about that. I never blamed you."

"That's what makes it worse. You trusted me with your life and I failed you. If Aram hadn't..." He clears his throat again. "I would never have forgiven myself if you had died, Liz. I'd rather the bullet had gotten me."

The raw emotion on his face is heartbreaking and she reaches across the table and touches his cheek with her hand. "Don't say that - please - if anything had happened to you...I couldn't live with myself either..."

The arrival of their food stops the conversation momentarily. She knows her turn is coming and she's so nervous she can hardly eat. She's grateful when he steers the conversation to lighter subjects - Hudson, the apartment. After the plates are cleared, she leans forward.

"About Tom..."

Now he's the one shaking his head. "I understand why you went back to him. He was there for you when you needed someone. I wasn't."

"Are you going to listen to what I have to say?" She's getting impatient. She needs to get this out. Her stomach is in knots.

"Of course, I'm sorry." He leans back, ready to listen.

She hesitates, not exactly sure where to begin. "I didn't go to Majorca with Reddington."

He looks startled. Whatever he was expecting her to say, it clearly wasn't that.

"It was a cover story. To hide the fact I was beaten in a grocery store parking lot by a thug who recognized me from the news. I was hospitalized and then home, recovering. Broken ribs and bruises."

He sit back upright, looking shocked, then angry. "Why didn't you tell me, Liz? Why didn't you let me help you?" His face is growing redder by the minute. She can see his frustration.

She closes her eyes for a minute. "I needed time to think."

"But you told Reddington, right?" She can hear the hurt in his voice.

"I didn't have to tell him. He was waiting in my apartment when I came home from the hospital."

"What about Tom? Did you tell him?" his tone is controlled, but she can hear the emotion behind the words.

"Yes, but there was a reason. Please let me finish this." She looks at him pleadingly. If she doesn't get this out now, she never will.

Just then the waiter appears, inquiring if they want anything else. Ressler waves him off but she's lost her nerve.

They sit there silently for a few minutes while Ressler pays the check. He looks up at her and she realizes it's now or never.

"I'm pregnant."

She looks at him nervously, waiting for his reaction. To her surprise, his face barely changes.

"I know," he says simply.

She's so shocked she can barely process the words. "You know? But how?" And as she asks the question, she realizes she already knows the answer. " _Reddington_."

He nods. "Yes. He called me."

"When?" She's still so shocked she feels numb but her anger at Reddington is growing. _How dare he?_

"Earlier today. I guess maybe he was afraid of how I would react."

She's speechless for a moment. "How you would react...what exactly did he tell you?"

"Not much. Just that you were pregnant. That you found out a couple of weeks ago. That he assumed you would tell me yourself tonight."

She sits there wordlessly, too stunned to speak. Seeing her face, he reaches out for her hand again and holds it tightly.

"Look, Liz. I'm really happy for you. I know you've always wanted a child. I don't know where your head is at with Tom, but the fact you agreed to see me tonight...it means a lot. And...I just wanted to let you know that I want to be in your life still. This doesn't change that. I understand it might for you. You and Tom have a lot to figure out, I'm sure. But... I love you, Liz. It took a long time for me to admit that to myself. But I needed to tell you how I feel."

She can hardly breathe. _He thinks it's Tom's baby!_ And he loves her anyway. He wants to be with her anyway. Her mind is swirling. But she knows what she needs to say.

"I love you too." She smiles, and his whole face brightens.

"And - Tom and I are through."

His relief so palpable her heart aches. But she still needs to explain.

"My running to Tom after I was freed was just an escape. I had this fantasy of running off and starting over fresh. Getting away from all the danger. But I've realized it was just that - a fantasy. I can't raise a child in a fantasy world. I can't escape the danger. And I don't want to be with someone I can't trust."

"Liz - "

"And the fact that Reddington is continuing to manipulate everything in my life only proves that to be true."

"Liz - I am not going anywhere unless you want me to. I promised I'd keep you safe. I still mean that, if you'll have me."

She feels the tears about to flow as he pushes back his chair. "C'mon, let's get out of here." He puts his arm around her and presses a soft kiss on the top of her head as he leads her out of the restaurant.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It's a beautiful night and the lights of DC shine across the Potomac as they walk along the riverfront promenade. He still has his arm around her, hugging her close.

"You know, I never told anyone this, but I think Audrey was pregnant when she died," he says quietly. "I found an empty test box in her bag."

Her heart aches for him. It explains so much. She turns and wraps her arms around him, pulling him tightly into an embrace. "I'm so sorry." And as she holds him, she realizes there's no more room for excuses. She has to tell him. He deserves to know.

"But you're going to have another chance."

He pulls back and looks at her quizzically, not understanding.

"The baby's not Tom's. It never was. It's yours."

He blinks at her, still not fully comprehending. "You mean it's.."

"Yes. I've had two ultrasounds. There's no way it could be Tom's. I'm too far along."

He sinks down slowly on to the closest bench and buries his face in his hands. She puts her arm around his shoulders and holds him close. She can feel his shoulders shaking. After several minutes, he looks up, and pulls her towards him and kisses her deeply. She can see and feel the tears on his face. "When I think about how close you came...it's ok? The baby's really ok?" His voice is choked with emotion.

She nods and pulls his hand against her abdomen. He can't feel any movement yet - it's too soon for that - but there's an undeniable bump that wasn't there before. He looks at her in wonder and leans in to kiss her again. "Let's go back to my apartment," she says, "I'll show you the pictures."

As they walk back to the car, she wonders - how did Reddington know?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next morning, she wakes early and watches him sleep. His face is so peaceful in the dim morning light. She'd shown him the ultrasound pictures and the look of joy on his face brought tears to her eyes. They'd made love well into the night. It was like all the months evaporated and they were right back at her birthday. When they finally fell asleep, she slept better than she had in weeks - no, months. She feels so safe in his arms.

He stirs and she burrows into the crook of his shoulder, her arm over his chest, her leg curled over his. "Good morning, beautiful." He smiles at her sleepily. "It _is_ a good morning," she replies, enjoying his warmth. "We need more of these."

His chest vibrates with laughter and he flips her over on her back, gently stroking her belly. He plants a gentle kiss right below her navel. "Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere."

She looks up and caresses his face gently. "You know people are going to talk. I mean, you're all over the news as a hero FBI agent and now you're going to have a child with a convicted felon."

He looks at her intently. "Liz, I don't care. None of that matters. What matters is ...us." He bends to kiss her again, and she loses herself in his touch once more.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

In the late afternoon, he finally leaves to go home and change and gather his things for the morning. She knows he'll be back. In fact, she doubts they'll be spending too many nights apart after last night. She hears her phone buzz and the familiar "Nick's Pizza" flashes once more on the screen. _Reddington_. Her anger with him has slowly dissipated over the night but she still has some burning questions she wants answers to.

"How did you know?" she demands.

"How did I know what, Lizzy?"

"How did you know that Ressler is the father?"

"I didn't, until now," he replies. "But I knew he was going to be, regardless of the biology. And I knew you had decided that too, when you changed your hair."

She shakes her head silently. The man is infuriating. "Why tell him? Why not let me tell him myself? You let him think the baby was Tom's!"

"Yes, I did. Because I knew you were hesitant to tell him. And I suspected it was because you were afraid that he would choose you just for the child's sake. I needed you to see that he loves you, and would choose you, regardless."

"You were sure he wouldn't walk away. Even if it were Tom's."

"Yes, Lizzy. Donald and I are very alike in some respects. In any event, now that the cat is out of the proverbial bag, the three of us must meet. Donald needs to have a full appreciation of the dangers you all are facing."

Liz closes her eyes. "I suppose you've already told him this?"

"Yes. We'll meet tomorrow. At my flat."

That startles her. She never imagined Red would let Ressler into that part of his world.

"Your flat?"

"Yes. You are not the only one with a target on your back, Lizzy. The actions Donald took on your behalf, his words to Laurel Hitchin - he has enemies too. And once they figure out he is the father of your child, it will only get worse."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next morning, they pull up in front of Reddington's building. "You sure you're ready for this?" She looks at him nervously.

He helps her out of the car and gazes at the unassuming building. "No, but what I _am_ sure of, is that I will do whatever I need to do to keep you safe. Both of you. That's a promise." He takes her hand, and together they go inside to meet Reddington.


End file.
